“New” Years

Each “new” year starts with fireworks, gun blasts and celebrations. Quite often people make resolutions of things they want to change in their lives. Do I need a date to think of making changes or begin to do things I have postponed throughout that year?  Years have gone by and I have made no “resolutions” and life has gone on without much thought. For reasons unknown this year was different.

My nephew, Peter, was getting married in North Carolina that meant an 8 hour trip to the south. The ride was going to be long so I brought books and things to do. I started my new journal; the year had not started out as I hoped it would. In the beginning of December my eye started to droop through testing it was found I have a mass behind my eyeball in the back of the socket. On the trip down there was still hope it would not be cancerous. I began my journal speaking of what had just happened and wanting to throw a pity party for myself (that always works well, not). As I was writing and lamenting the outcome of the tests the Holy Spirit prompted me to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable leaves space to be hurt or people in my “business”. I want, hear that, “I” want to keep “my” business, my business. It is hard to let people in to know what is going on. I want, again, to be able to not share what is going on, if I don’t mention it or speak of the problem it really doesn’t exist, right? Being vulnerable requires me to share, be open and willing to let others in. As much as I chat, this is a very hard place as I am sure it is for many people. Allowing people to do things for me, allow people to hear the struggles, and allow people to speak into me through the pain. Being real when things aren’t going the way we expect them to go is painful and often a test of am I going to trust.

 Trust God with the outcome of vulnerability.

Trust God with my cancer.

Trust God with my relationships.

Trust God in my weakness.

Trust God with my future.

A wise woman of God said (paraphrased) when we do not trust God we in essence say we know better than God and can take care of the problem better than God. Boy do I know I at times think “I” got this. At times I cannot handle a conversation with an eleven year old gracefully, how in the world am I going to handle the bigger issues. It saddens me greatly when I think about how arrogant I am when I try and handle it on my own.

Thank you Jesus for your Grace which is sufficient for me!

Beginnings

What brought me to blogging/writing? What happened that made me want to begin this endeavor? What started in 2015 that made me want change and pushed me forward? As you can see it is 2016 and beginning a new segment of my journey; I am Raising my Sail. The quote that birthed the blog name is, “We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails,” Dolly Parton.

The year 2015 began without much ado and seemed to be just another year for the books.  My life took an interesting turn when I got the “cold” and the doctor didn’t like it and made me do further testing. I ended up in the hospital for three days with a blood infection; family asking if I should continue working and believe me this wasn’t the first time.  I have fought for years to not stop working, work is what has kept me alive and vital is how I viewed it. With this infection I had to be in hospital for three days and then administer IV antibiotics at home for the next four which gave me plenty of time to think and evaluate. I am good at pushing through things, not relaxing, and ignoring what I most likely should be doing. I asked my sister to help me navigate S.S. to see how much I would be paid due to my stage 4 diagnoses and how long I would have to wait etc.  The woman at the office questioned why I waited so long to come in. The choices were brought home and discussed and I “retired” in February. Here is where the fun begins, I had time and how was I going to spend it? My friend, Dale, asked if I would come to her Bible Study that she was starting and I committed. The Bible study was Jenni Allen’s, Stuck. It began to stir in me what has been lying dormant for a long time, writing. I used to write frequently and even at one time wrote articles for a church paper. I had a prophecy many years ago (20+) and have been encouraged by my family for a long time to begin to write again; I would just brush it away and say someday. Someday became, now.

Stuck was coming to an end and we were discussing what to do next I volunteered to teach. Where did that come from? What was I thinking? Did those words actually come out of my mouth? We chose Jenni Allen, Restless.

 

What makes me “restless”, am I running my race, or am I busy looking at everyone else’s race? Ouch, that is often what has kept me from writing. I don’t write well, who will want to read what I’m writing, or others write so much better than I can. Restless addressed our hurts, gifts, passions, where has God called us and are we stepping out in our places; no excuses. God is calling us to use all the above with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Every person we see and meet is there at the precise time for a precise purpose there is no coincidence. The Holy Spirit has been convicting me of my disobedience in not following what God has called me to. This is my race and no one else’s where my road takes me I do not know, I will look to the Holy Spirit for guidance as I let the winds of the Holy Spirit move my sails as I journey the seas of life. Write with abandon. Thus begins the journey of writing.

Several quotes from Restless by Jenni Allen.