Each “new” year starts with fireworks, gun blasts and celebrations. Quite often people make resolutions of things they want to change in their lives. Do I need a date to think of making changes or begin to do things I have postponed throughout that year? Years have gone by and I have made no “resolutions” and life has gone on without much thought. For reasons unknown this year was different.
My nephew, Peter, was getting married in North Carolina that meant an 8 hour trip to the south. The ride was going to be long so I brought books and things to do. I started my new journal; the year had not started out as I hoped it would. In the beginning of December my eye started to droop through testing it was found I have a mass behind my eyeball in the back of the socket. On the trip down there was still hope it would not be cancerous. I began my journal speaking of what had just happened and wanting to throw a pity party for myself (that always works well, not). As I was writing and lamenting the outcome of the tests the Holy Spirit prompted me to be vulnerable.
Being vulnerable leaves space to be hurt or people in my “business”. I want, hear that, “I” want to keep “my” business, my business. It is hard to let people in to know what is going on. I want, again, to be able to not share what is going on, if I don’t mention it or speak of the problem it really doesn’t exist, right? Being vulnerable requires me to share, be open and willing to let others in. As much as I chat, this is a very hard place as I am sure it is for many people. Allowing people to do things for me, allow people to hear the struggles, and allow people to speak into me through the pain. Being real when things aren’t going the way we expect them to go is painful and often a test of am I going to trust.
Trust God with the outcome of vulnerability.
Trust God with my cancer.
Trust God with my relationships.
Trust God in my weakness.
Trust God with my future.
A wise woman of God said (paraphrased) when we do not trust God we in essence say we know better than God and can take care of the problem better than God. Boy do I know I at times think “I” got this. At times I cannot handle a conversation with an eleven year old gracefully, how in the world am I going to handle the bigger issues. It saddens me greatly when I think about how arrogant I am when I try and handle it on my own.
Thank you Jesus for your Grace which is sufficient for me!